Well, this is probably it.
We still haven’t made the rent for Bodhi’s apartment. And it has become clear we are not going to.
No miracles this time.
I appreciate those who donated. Sever gave one dollar, which is great, but it only works if everyone else gives a dollar, too. If the only 2000 readers don’t then it doesn’t do much good. You did good. I thank you for that.
I will go to court and try to delay eviction as long as I can. Moving into Jani’s apartment (which is paid for) is not an option because no more than three people are allowed in a one bedroom. Moving us all into a two bedroom, like I perhaps I should have done months ago, is not an option because the complex won’t rent us a two bedroom until I pay up what I owe.
So we are stuck. All I can do is try to finish the book and get my next advance before the court orders us out. If I can’t, or if it still isn’t good enough to get my next check, then I don’t know. I don’t have any other options left.
This couldn’t have come at a worse time. Between Honey being ill and taking a disasterous trip to see Susan’s family who all ignored Jani or, like Susan’s mother, said mean things about Jani right in front of her, Jani is extremely psychotic right now.
But I won’t send her to residential, even now.
Because it’s not her fault.
It’s the world’s.
It is not the fault of the world that she has schizophrenia. But it sure as shit is your fault how you treated her.
It’s hard to be magnanimous in defeat. So I am not going to try and pretend.
It’s been hard writing this blog ever since our story became public. I remember the story of Roger Waters becoming so upset with a boisterous fan in the front row of a show that he spat on him. Later, he felt terrible about it and part of him wished he could construct a wall between him and the audience. This idea, of course, became the seed of Floyd’s next album “The Wall.”
I get that. What I hate most about the handful of people who come to this blog and say hateful things about me is that they become all I remember, making me forget all the wonderful people who have come here. The supporters outweigh the detractors by the thousands.
I am not leaving because of them, though. I am leaving because I haven’t been able to pay the internet bill and the internet is already gone in Jani’s apartment and soon to go here in Bodhi’s, where Janni has fallen asleep after a day of paranoid crying that she is having loose stool. She abruptly ran out of the room this weekend and I chased and tripped over something that broke my pinkie toe on my left foot.
I do say fuck Susan’s family. They just spent a weekend in a synagogue but none of them know God.
I wish I could leave you with something positive. Jani has come along way. We will see if it sticks. I can assure you I will never send her to residential. EVER. You are going to have to kill me if you want that to happen. I will keep my family together. I don’t know how right now. But I will.
I remember after I wrote “Watching the Wreckage” some self-righteous bitch wrote in a comment that another family had a blog about dealing with some severe illness and who had the same financial problems we did but they wrote about it with grace and aplomb, unlike me.
I am sure they did.
I say “did” because she mentioned, in the middle of her tirade against me, that this famili’s blog hadn’t been updated in more than a year.
All I could do is laugh. She was attacking me for asking for money, or demanding it, or whatever you want to call it, and yet completely missed the significance of why that other family stopped blogging.
They ran out of money. God only knows now what happened to them. I hope they are okay but my fear is that self-righteous bitches like this woman eagerly read about their problems but did nothing to help.
I pointed out this inconsistency to her and never heard from her again.
In this life, you get no points for style. It is what you do that counts.
So we will go on, even if you don’t hear from me again.
And I will try not to build the wall. Because that is the only way I am truly lost.
Michael J. Schofield
July 11th, 2011